Bella & The Banana! & Other Random Storiess
by LORiDERR
Summary: Random Stories!*Summery Changed*/\/Ratedd Yur Motherr\/\good 4 a laff or 2..Bunch of random little stories.HUNGRY FOR IDEAS...YO.REVIEWS ARE HIGHLY APPRECIATED!DROP ME A LINE! RANDOM-NESS..REVIEW! IT GIVES ME MOTAVATION :D...REVIEW!
1. Cherry!

1.Cherry!

**Disclaimer:Me no owney Twilight-y. Got it? Good. Oh yeah, I don't own Lil Weezy either. Dammit.**

Bella:Edward, I need to tell you something.

Edward:What is it, Love?

-Bella's All Twitchy and Shiznit-

Bella:Edward, I'm leaving you.

-Edward's eyes about to bug out of his freakin' mind-

Edward:But,but..Why?! What did I do wrong?! Is it because I wanted to protect your virtue by not changing you into an immortal/vampire?!

Bella:Edward, I just found someone else. Sorry.

Edward:Who?

Bella:A banana!

Edward:But it's not even human!

Bella:Neither are you.

Edward:Yeah, but at least I'm not an inatimate object!

-Bella rolls eyes-

Bella:I hate to tell you this, but you sorta are.

-Jasper and Emmett pop up out of no where-

Jasper:HA! Bella left you! For a dayum banana! Hahahaha!

Edward:Where'd you come from?!

Emmett:I dunno. Ask the author.

Everyone looks at Author

Author:What?! I'm drinking Monster, okay?! Geesh! M'kay..back to story..

Edward:Umm..okay. Uh, where was I? Oh yeah. -clears throat- Where did you guys come from and why are you here?

Jasper:We're looking for our puppets!

Bella:Wow this author is random.

Author:Ugh, whatever Belluh! At least I'M a vampire! MWAH-HA-HA-HA!

Emmett:Anywayes. Hey Edward is a 107 year old virgin!

-Jake pops out-

Jake:Oo Burn!

Edward glares and growls

Jasper:Yeah, Edward! You and your laydee ever gonna do it?!

Edward:But..

Emmett:No excuses, budday! When you gonna pop Bella's cherry already? When you gonna put your celery in her bleu cheese? When yo-

-Edward picks up Emmett and punts him to China-

Jasper:Dayummmmm Edward you need to get layed big time!

-Edward does the same to Jasper-

Bella:Um, as I was saying before all these people so rudely interupted me was that I'm leaving you for a banana!

Edward:No! How dare you! You will not! If I can't have you, no human, vampire, dog, or any other mythical creature that may live un-noticed in this world can!

Edward bites Bella

Bella:OW! What the Crap?! You freakin' bit me you devilishly sexy, sexilicious, hot 107 year old virgin vampire! Ow ow owie!

Edward:I'm sexilicous?! Sweet!

-Edward runs off to be a Calvin Klein model in Where? Italy!-

Bella:No! My life is over! I'm gonna go Cliff Dive in La Push like in New Moon!

-Jacob magically appears again-

Jake:Sweet!

**_-End Chapter-_**

**Wow. I'm crazy. Yuppers. So yeah the popped cherry and celery/bleu cheese thing was inspired by Lil Wayne songs. I lovee him! I lurve him like a fat kid love's banana's! Lol. I heart being random! Well yeah I have some more thingys written and I'll type them up and update whenever I feel like it. Hee. Like I will say in a upcoming chappie, I will update whenever! But yeah, don't fret! I won't take years to update! But you don't have to review cause I'll update, well, whenever, with or without your consent! You can if you like, but all I'm sayin' is you not reviewing will not stop me from updating. Thankss B! On yeah, I personally thought this was sorta funny but not really that great but yeah it'll get funnier. To me. One last thing:If you would like to submit ideas for later chappies PM me or Add my Myspace, (Link in Profile) and PM me or leave a comment with your idea. Gracias! Oh just in case you didn't read the description, all of the things in the chappies are my ideas, unless I say so. Ok. Bye!**

**_-Lori-_**


	2. Authors Note

**AUTHORS NOTE--STORYY **

**WELL...SO I DECIDED (WITH SOME VERY HELPFUL REVIEWERS) THAT I SHOULD DO STORY FORMAT. NOT LIKE, THE SCRIPT ONE. I ONLY DID THAT BECAUSE I REALLY DIDN'T FEEL LIKE TURNING IT INTO A ACTUAL STORY. YEA. I'M LAZY. SO YEAH..GIMME IDEAS!! I'M FREAKING OUT BECAUSE I ONLY HAVE LIKE ONE MORE CHAPTER WRITTEN AND IT'S NOT EVEN FINISHED YET, AND I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING ELSE! SO IF YOU LIKE MY STORY AND WANT ME TO CONTINUE IT, GIVE ME IDEAS! I'LL GIVE YOU CREDIT AND SEND YOU A COOKIE! OK, MAYBE NOT THE LAST ONE, BUT YEAH! PLEASEEEEE! I'M BEGGING YOU! YOU CAN'T SEE IT, BUT I'M ON MY KNEES, DRAMITCALLY WEEPING FOR YOU TO GIVE ME IDEAS! SOO PLEASEE PLEASSE PRETTY PLEASE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP WITH SOME FUDGE AND WHIPPED CREAM GIVE ME IDEAS!! ILOVEYOU GUYS SO FLIPPING MUCH!! THNX!! **

**You Guys Rock, **

**_LORI _**


	3. PUBES IN CHILLI

**OK I THOUGHT ABOUT TURNING THIS INTO A FANFIC ONE-SHOT THINGY BUT THEN DECIDED WHY DO THAT WHEN I CAN JUST ADD IT TO THIS ONE?! WHY I TELL YOU?! WHY?! K GIVE ME IDEAS FOR WHAT YOU, THE READER/REVIEWER, WANT TO SEE IN MY STORY BECAUSE I HAVE HORRIBLE WRITERS BLOCK. THANKS! WARNING: /\SUGGESTIVE THEMES\/ LOL. OH YEAH BELLA'S A HUMAN IN THIS CHAPPIE PEROO IF A SAY SHE'S NOT IN OTHER CHAPPIES THEN SHE'S NOT. GOT IT?!MITE NOT MAKE SENSE IN SOME PARTS.**

**DISCLAIMER:I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT OR SOUTH PARK, BUT I DO OWN THIS IDEA,PLOT,CONTEXT AND ALL THE OTHER IDEAS ASSOCIATED WITH THIS STORY. YAY ME!**

It was a normal day. I woke up, Edward by my side, had my 'human minute' and ate breakfast. Then it began to get weird. Really weird.

Okay, it began getting awkward when I got 'the call'. My phone rang, right? So, out of habit, I looked at the caller I.D.

I didn't recognize the number. But, out of courtesy, I answered. "Um, hello?" Instead of a response, there was a weird 'Scream'-like breathing on the other line.

"I know where you live!" the voice screeched into the reciver, trying to be frightening. Luckily, I'd seen enough scary movies to know what to do in situations like this very one. I held back a giggle. "Erm, ok." The voice on the other line sighed.

I eyed Edward suspiciously. He shrugged. Then, the most brilliant, smart, hilarious, genious, ingenious idea hit me. I waited for the opportunity to speak. "Listen, Lady. You're supposed to be afraid. Scream! Hang up! Anything! Geesh!" I couldn't help but laugh.

Time to act. "PUBES IN CHILLI!" I yelled into the reciver, before snapping my phone shut.

Edward raised an eyebrow. I laughed loud. "What? It was funny!" He shook his head.

"Pubes in chilli? How mature, Bella." he muttered disaprovingly. I laughed still.

It took a couple minutes before I could speak. "-laugh- Yes -laugh- pubes in -laugh- chilli -laugh-" He chuckled.

"And why would you tell a poor human that?" he asked, fighting back laughter.

I rolled my eyes. "Becauseeee it was funnyyy." I replied, dragging out the syllables of each word.

"Of course it was, Love." he said, his voice velvet-y. Then the phone rang a second time. Time for another victim! Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Edward grabbed my phone before I can answer it and say the Golden Words. "I'll get it this time, Love. Don't want another incident like we just had, do we?" I pouted at him.

"Fruity." I mouthed. He shook his head as he hung up. I reached for my phone.

Edward held my phone above his head. "No you don't." he said, more like sang.

"Stop playing, Edward!" I play yelled at him, trying to grab my phone, but he held it securely in his marble hand.

Then, my phone rang again. We looked at eachother, then at the still ringing cell phone.

He picked it up. "Hello?" he asked sweetly. His eyes then widened, then he snapped it shut.

"Stupid kids." he muttered. We then bursted into fits of roaring laughter, that went on for a good hour, about 'The Pubes In Chilli' prank phone call.

**-THE END-**

**Yea kinda stupid & OOC & makes no sense but yea. The idea was stuck in my head for like days and I needed to shut it up! Yea. Still got Writers block! HELP ME! Give me ideas that are random and funny and I'll give you credit! Thanks! Also check out mah otha storys too. Oh yeah the idea came from a South Park ((which I don't own)) episode involving pubes and chilli. lol. Kinda voulgar...but anywayes...lol. Oh yeah don't dog me about if i like misspelled anything or have improper grammer or puncuation cause I wrote this at like 2 in the morning!! Thanks Dudees!!**

**_Much Love,_**

**_XOXOXO-Lori.-XOXOXO_**


	4. EPOV Twilight thru Eclipse in a Nutshell

**Okay so lately I've been thinking about 'Midnight Sun' ('Twilight' from Edward's POV)...so..Oh yeah this is not a rip-off. This is random...And Somewhat sucky. OOC. 1 SPOILER. ALERT! I'D SUGGEST IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE FIRST CHAPTER OF 'BREAKING DAWN' THAT YOU GO TO STEHPENIE MEYER'S WEBSITE AND READ IT AND IF IT'S NOT THERE SEARCH 'BREAKING DAWN' on Google AND CLICK ON THE ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY LINK. IT HAS AN EXCERPT FROM THE FIRST CHAPTER...I THINK ONLY HALF OF IT..BUT STILL GO READ IT! BUT IF YOU BOUGHT 'ECLIPSE' SPECIAL EDITION THEN IT'S ALL GOOD! I would suggest you not reading this if you haven't. Ok I lied. Read it anyway! Thanks!**

**Disclaimer:I sooo don't own 'Twilight' or 'Midnight Sun'...NIETHER DO YOU! SO HA! Unless you're Stephenie. Hmmm...-cough-IMPOSTER-cough-. Nor do I own EW. **

Edward:Oh look. A new girl. Mmm..she smells sorta good. NO! MUST NOT ATTACK! Ahh! My singer. Oh look, a van. NO! Not my singer! To the nurses office! Awayy!! Oh, look. There's Bella. To a random fancy resturant! Hey! Let's go meet my family and play baseball! Yo! Back up Victoria! This here's my singah! To Italy! Damn Jacob Black. Trying to steal my woman. Er, soon to be vampire, I guess. Dog. Word. Hey. I'm gonna go to Italy! What's Bella doing here? I'm supposed to die! Will you marry me? Schweet! Par-tay ON! WOO! Haha. Romeo. I'm Romeo to some extent to many, many, many fangirls out there. Too bad I don't exist. Wait, what? Eh. Whateverr Girlfran! Hmm..I wonder why Bella isn't wearing my, er, my mothers, ring. Embarrassed, Much? But hey! Who gives a flying fruck! Eh. Who cares. They'll all die in like, a hundred years. To the Wedding! Awayy!!

**And there, folks, is Twilight-Eclipse in a nutshell from EPOV. OOC. Lol. Sucky. Ok so yeah I know I probably left out some Really Important details, but I wrote it like in 5 minutes because I've been very,very,_VERY_ curious about 'Midnight Sun'. As of August 4th,2008, I have not read 'Breaking Dawn'. I know, I know. I just haven't had time to go buy it. Plus, they're probably all sold out anyway. So what's the point? I had to wait like 2 months before buying 'Eclipse', and I was all 'DAMMIT BARNES AND NOBLES!' And then 'Breaking Dawn' comes out, and yeah. Still I haven't bought it. Oh yeah the last couple of sentences are how I feel about all the Edward fangirls out there. Read it, and GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD. Oh yeah I've read only the first Chapter of 'BD' but yeah, sorry. I _might _post another chapter after I read 'BD' about what it's about, but yeah. Haven't read it. YET. I will. So, be expecting another chapter from EPOV, probably entitled 'BD EPOV'. Yeah. Abbreviations Rock my Motherr Flippin' Socks off! They're FINGA-LICKIN' GOOD! lol. Oh yeah, I would suggest you not read 'BD EPOV' unless you've read it. 'Cause it will more then likely have spoilers. Many, many spoilers. But I might take a while before I post that chappie, because of the whole 'Barnes & Nobles' shannigan. Huh. Who knew. I haven't been there yet, but I already know that 'BD' is sold out. Call it a Fifth sense. Lol. I suck at EPOV. Yeah. DON'T TELL ME ABOUT 'BD' OR HOW BAD THIS IS! 'CAUSE I ALREADY KNOW! THANKS! OH YEAH I AM REALLY SORRY IF YOU HAVEN'T READ 'BD' AND YOU'RE MAD...I WARNED YOU!**

**_-Lori- _**


	5. THE PUKING FANFICTION CHAPTER

**The Puking Fanfiction Chapter!**

**Ok I know the 'Twilight-Fanfiction x-over' is sorta cliche', but I just randomly thought of a unique twist upon it...ENJOY! Oh yeah I made all this all up as I went..so yea...off the top of the ol' noggin!**

**DISCALIMER:Dammit. I almost forgot this thing. I HATE YOU DISCLAIMER! Ah, well. TWILIGHT,NEW MOON,ECLIPSE,BREAKING DAWN, AND MIDNIGHT SUN ARE PERFECT EXAMPLES OF THINGS I DO NOT OWN. CAPECHE'? **

**BPOV**

I was surfing the internet, my laptop in my lap, when I stumbled upon a weird, aspiring author-type website.

Hmmm...

Let's see, category. Um, let's try books. Eh, gay, sucky, fruity, oh. This looks promising. 'Twilight'. Sounds interesting. Click...

'Hm...Bella and Jasper find new life 2gether after their significant other conviently left. BxJ! AU! R&R first fanfic plz b nice!'

What?! That's disgusting! What the hell kinda website is this?! I have got to tell Edward! Wait. Maybe there's more promising summery's...SURF! AWAYY!

What the.."Um, Edward?" I called out. He needed to see this, ASAP. I heard footsteps bounding up the stairs, and there he was, concered as always.

"Yes, Love?" "Um, come ha-have a look at thi-this." I stuttered whilst thrusting the laptop at his face. "I don't see what the problem is, Love-wait. What the hell? Jacob and I are together?! What?! We're mortal enimies!" he shouted, flustered.

I nodded. "Yes! Case in point, this site seems to stalk us, and make up little silly fairytales, such as this one, which people seem to read for enjoyment.." I began.

Edward stared at me in disbelief. He sighed. "Jasper! Alice! Can you come here please!" he shouted. In about six and a half milli-seconds, Edward's siblings were there.

"Look at what Bella found." he ordered, whilst passing them the laptop. Alice grabbed it, her eyes tracing the print on the webpage.

Her eyes widened, and she gasped. "You cheated on me, Jasper?!" she accused him loudly. It was his time for his eyes to widen. "I-I, but, I," he stammered pathetically.

I grabbed the laptop back and began scrolling down. I then saw something so horrible I got up, put my hand over my mouth, acted like I was about to puke, and ran out the room, throwing the laptop at Edward in the process.

Without looking I can tell that they had no clue. Even Alice, the Flippin'-psychic**,(A/N:Sorry if i spelled that wrong lol)**was puzzled about my outburst.

Edward, being Edward, investigated. His golden eyes traced the computer screen, then very OOC like, he did exactly as I did, down to the looking at them.

I eyed him suspiciously. He shrugged, and then went back to watching a very confused pshychic and her controlly-emotions husband. I shrugged also, and went back to watching as well.

Alice's mouth formed a little 'o', and she looked at Jasper. Again. She went back to reading, then choked a little, before doing as we did before.

Edward, Alice, and I were cracking up watching a still very, very,very confusd Jasper stare at the computer screen, scroll down, then surprisingly laugh. We all looked at eachother, confused.

"Ha. Stupid humans. Even I, vampire boy!, know that OC's suck eggs. If only some very ignorant humans knew that. The category is called 'Twilight'. So maybe your characters should have something to do with, oh idk, the category! OC's suck. Big. Ones." Jasper cackled to himself like a madman.

He scrolled down some more. He raised and eyebrow, looked around suspiciously, and directed his attention back to the computer.

Jasper cleared his throat. "'Jasper and Bella are in love. But what happens when u throw Eddyward, a playyahhh, into the mix?! AU. All Human.' What in earth's name?!" he yelled out. He looked around again, then slowly shut down the computer, and walked out.

I looked at Edward and Alice. "Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?" I asked slyly. They both had smiles on their faces. "EMMETT!" we called out all at the same time. This would be sweet..

**_to be continued..._**

**Yo. Check back later on because this chapter, or the _idea, _rather, isn't finished yet, so I decided to turn it into a cliffy! In my original idea it envolved everyone, and lots of random puking, but ten little fingers can only type so fast, so by the middle of this, I lost all the OI (Oringinal Idea) . So I pretty much made it up as I went. Yo. I, for one, find this chapter hilarious. And yes, I am random. And no, I havn't read 'Breaking Dawn' yet, 'cause the Pop's is being a douchebag about it. Oh yeah, I made those summaries up, based on some I've actually read. Yes, they suck. However, I mean no offence to any LOSER who would take offence by this story or chappie or concept, i.e. Lol I'm an idiot..I FORGOT the disclaimer the first time I typed this up, and then I didn't notice untill I saw the live preview, so I had to re-type it and add this note about how much of an idiot I am. I AM AN IDIOT. Thanks for reading! HOLY SEXPOTS! (insider :))**

**_LORI _**


	6. Emmett vs Himself

**Hye! So my sister is always ripping on me about how I 'talk to myself' which I don't by the way, and then I'm all, 'That's soo Emmett!' Lol. This is my first time writing in EmPOV so yeah...I took a quiz and it said I was most like him. But it was before I even published this. So this is really all how I would act, with some stuff that Emmett would say. Woo!**

**Disclaimer:I don't own Twilight, a Mercedes, Emmett's mind, Edward's Volvo, the phrase 'IDK', Conway Twitty, or Family Guy. **

**EmPOV**

I hated when this happened. It was unavoidable, and it always knew exactly when to pop up, at precisely the wrong time. Always. It's like, when what's-his-face turns into the Hulk or something. Ha. He's green. But that's not the point. It always seems to happen at very important, random times. Like, when Esme is lecturing me on how 'A clean home is a happy home' or something.

You see, I tend to not be to conservative of my adoptive mother's prized possesion. 'What is her prized possesion?' you might be wondering. The answer? Obvious. Her home. If anything were to put her home in danger, she would be all over it like ants at a picnic.

So, one day, I was really hackin' bored, right? And it just so happened that I was 'confined to my home' for 'violating some house rule'. Perfect timing, huh? Anyway, I was on house arrest, so I had to make due with what I had, being the house. Poor house.

It all started like this. I was sitting in mine and Rosalie's room, school didn't matter much to Esme on this particular day, and there was only a limited amount of things to do.

I tried daydreaming, being as it may, I can't sleep. Yeah. Not so great. I felt crazy. Like, I was talking to myself. But not just talking, taunting;the voice in my head that was simalar to mine kept yelling 'HA! You big dunce. Now we're all cooped up in here without a damn thing to do! Thanks alot, Emmett!' I scoffed.

'Well, I don't think yelling at me is gonna help our sitiation, now is it?' Wow. I was talking to myself. Crazyy.

The voice in my head scoffed. 'Yeah, right. Then what is, you Maroon?' I was really getting tired of all the insults to my intelect I was throwing at myself.

I sighed deeply. 'I'm not sure. Esme made it her goal this afternoon to make sure I, I mean we, don't try to escape. She really went overboard, if you ask me.'

Yet again, the voice that was ringing in my ears scoffed in disagreement. 'What did you do now, Emmett.' the voice asked flatly, monotone.

I sighed more angrily. 'Idk.' The voice was about to say something, when it caught itself midsentence. 'Did you just say 'Idk?' Never mind. You must've done something. C'mon. Tell Ol' Emmy what Emmy did wrong.' the voice, me, cooed, as if talking to a child.

'I really don't find that nescasary.' I thought, aloud. The voice laughed, then snorted. 'Of course it's nescasary, Emmett.' it said, as if it was obvious, common knowledge. 'Now tell me.'

I clicked my tongue. 'Nope.' I was not about to give in to my head. I was stronger then myself. Wait, what? Eh. Anyway, I can beat this!

Another angry sigh. 'I don't see how this relationship is going to work unless we comunicate!' Geez. It sounded like my wife, or something. Rose did kinda sound like that...except she was wayyy hotter then that voice. Er, me, I guess. I was not gonna give up.

'What relationship? I'm freaking married! Goshers.' I yelled at myself, hoping it would shut the damn voice up. It was really grinding my gears. Like, seriously.

The voice gasped, as if a guilty verdict was just read for it's spouse. 'You don't..love me?' it choked out. Great. Now I'm crying because I don't love myself. That's just great. And, I think I'm going crazy.

It seemed like I was sighing alot that day. 'You know that's not what I meant.' There. Try to reason with it. Maybe it will see my peace offering and go away. For good. Hopefully.

'Oh, Emmett. I know exactly what you meant.' it yelled, outraged. This was gonna be a long day...

**_-Meanwhile-  
_**

**EPOV**

This was rich. Emmett was talking to himself, no, arguing with himself. It was the greatest form of entertainment ever! No television show or movie could compare to Emmett arguing with himself, and losing. That was in a category all it's own! It's own genre! Like, comedy and drama, mixed in with some bad humor. This was one of the only times I was happy to be able to read minds!

I walked away, unwillingly, to invite everyone to the show. Soon, me, Bella, Alice, Jasper, Carlisle, Esme, and Rosalie were outside his door, listening intently. It was a great bonding activity.

"I hate to tell ya this, Rose, but I think Emmett just offically lost his marbles." Bella said to Rosalie, followed by a laugh. It was true. Emmett had finally gone crazy. Rosalie just sighed. "I know." she agreed. Everyone told them to 'sssh', so soon the only sound was Emmett and Himself. Arguing. Rich. This was rich.

"I really don't find that nescasary." Emmett muttered. What was even funnier than him talking to himself was that there was always an answer. Like I said, rich!

Carlisle sighed. "I think we might have to commit dear Emmett to the psychiatric ward." he said, behind his joking tone was actual concern.

"...that's not what I meant." Emmett kept muttering to himself, so many times I lost track. Poor Emmett. I wonder how it felt like to go crazy.

Jasper chuckled. "I feel anger, and it's sweett." Alice laughed along with her husband, obviously agreeing. Everyone agreed, actually; I searched everyone's mind, and it kept back coming to 'Emmett's crazy.'

Another sigh came from Carlisle's direction. "Time to intervene." he whispered, whislt opening the door. Emmett was talking to air, screaming at it for no apparent reason. When he noticed us, he stopped. I bet if he could, he'd be blushing. "Please tell me you guys didn't hear that." he pleaded, embarrassed.

Alice shrugged. "Only everything." Emmett knew that we would definatally not be forgetting about this any century too soon. We should've taken a picture, then we could've put it in the family album.

Emmett scratched his head. "Boy, could I use a distraction. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty." He said while looking to the right of us. Now he was crazy.

"Um, Emmett? Please get in the Mercedes. I need to do an emergency check-up on your IQ." Carlisle said, joking. Emmett looked down.

"Stupid Emmett." he muttered. "Hey!" his voice called from inside his head. We all heard it very clearly, that we looked at one another. I stole on last glance at my family, and we all backed up very, very slowly.

**Lol. It was sooo much fun writing this chapter!! OK I WANNA SAY THANK YOU TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO PM'ED ME AND TOLD ME THAT THIS STORY WAS GREAT! I LOVE READING YOUR E-MAILS! It makes me happy! I am very pleased to inform you that I a almost half way through with 'Breaking Dawn'! I have to admit, I wasn't to fond of it at first. I actually threw my book at the wall when I read some of it..but I am now apart of Team Edward & Team Jacob. I don't care if it's not allowed. I love this book! I was cracking up while reading this chappie! Oh yeah, usually my updates depend on what my idea is, how long it takes to write it, to type it up, to edit it, and to publish it. But you may or may have not noticed I don't update on weekends. I'm always busy. DER. You might not have, either. I might update tommorow, but more than likely not. Give me Tuesday, at the latest. Thanks! You guys FREAKING ROCK MY WORLD. Oh yeah I probably mis spelled some things but give me a break! It's 4 O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING! Don't ask why I update so late all the time. Please. GIVE ME IDEAS!! Please! I only have like, half, no, _one-third _of a chappie written up. If you want me to keep going really, really long with this story, I need ideas. THANK YOU! ILY!**

**_-Lori-_**


	7. AIMNESS

**AIM-ness. OOC. Sorta. Kinda. I've never done AIM before..but everyone does it...so yeah. Random. **

**Bella10-Bella**

** VampyreGoddess-Rosalie**

**SightSeeer-Alice**

** Un-originalscreennameboyy-Random person**

** EmmyCullenCullerDenYou-Emmett **

**Jasper-is-fresh-Jasper **

**EDWARD107-Edward-o.**

**DISCLAIMER:I don't own Twilight, AIM, Sesame Street, Family Guy, FOX, Adult Swim, TBS, Nickolodeon, Drake and Josh, or SPM's song 'Block of Rock'.**

Bella10-Sup.

SightSeeer-Hey Bella! Whut it do??

Bella10-Nothin.

VampyreGoddess-Oh of course. Don't invite Rosalie to AIM with you guys. I see how it is.

SightSeeer-Erm, ok.

Bella10-Coceited-er.

Un-originalscreennameboyy-Hi.

VampyreGoddess-Who the effer arre you??

Un-originalscreennameboyy-A person. & u?

VampyreGoddess-I'm a hot vampire.

Un-originalscreennameboyy-Coolio.

Bella10-Um, who are you??

Un-originalscreennameboyy-I'm Bob.

SightSeeer-Hello Bob. How did you get in this chatroom?? You have to know the password!

Un-originalscreennameboyy-Idk. I just signed up for AIM. And then this popped up.

Bella10-Well can you please leave??

Un-originalscreennameboyy-How. I don't know how to.

VampyreGoddess-Just click the little 'x' on the chat window. And never speak of this.

Un-originalscreennameboyy-Ok. Bye.

Jasper-is-fresh-HOLY SEXPOTS!!

SightSeeer-What is up with you Jazzperr??

Jasper-is-fresh-Who knows. Let's go get a book!!

EmmyCullenCullerDenYou-Books are fruity. Like your face.

Jasper-is-fresh-Rude.

EmmyCullenCullerDenYou-Duh.

Jasper-is-fresh-What does that even mean??

EmmyCullenCullerDenYou-Um, idk. It's meant to be an insult, but sometimes people are all 'Fruit tastes good and are sweet' so it might be a compliment, to. Idk.

SightSeeer-Youre fruity Emmett. And your GA-AY.

Jasper-is-fresh-Yeahh.

VampyreGoddess-I'm going to tell Esme to remove all the tv's in the house. Maybe you guy's brains aren't totally fried.

EmmyCullenCullerDenYou-NOOO!! MUST STOP ROSALIE FROM TAKING MY SEASAME STREET! AWAYYY!

EDWARD107-Cokeheads.

Jasper-is-fresh-NO COKE! PEPSI!

SightSeeer-Yeah. Better program FOX, Adult Swim, and TBS out the Tv. Jaz has been watching nothing but 'Family Guy' and it's really screwing him up.

Bella10-Family Guy frackingg rocks!!

Jasper-is-fresh-Who's leg I gotta hump to get a dry martini around here?!

Bella10-I see your point.

SightSeeer-Yeah.

Jasper-is-fresh-If a quiz is quizzical, what is a test?

EmmyCullenCullerDenYou-I know! Testicale!

SightSeeer-I'm outta here. Bye!

-SightSeeer has logged out-

-Bella10 has logged out-

-Jasper-is-fresh- has logged out-

-VampyreGoddess has logged out-

EDWARD107-NO! DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HIM!!

EmmyCullenCullerDenYou-Heyy Eddy..

-EDWARD107 has logged out-

EmmyCullenCullerDenYou-Aw man. How come when we talk on AIM all of our chats end like this?! Emmett. All alone. WTF?!

Un-originalscreennameboyy-I'm here...

-EmmyCullenCullerDenYou has logged out-

Un-originalscreennameboyy-Great. Now I have to find someone else to stalk! Man...

**-THE END..?-**

**Wow. That sucked. I know. AIM really isn't my niche'. But it _was _somewhat easy to write, just random stuff. It took me a long time to think of screennames, though..This is probably my last update untill Tuesday, the latest. But, it might not be. Probably not. lol I think of people who turn AIM into full stories and I laugh. Lol. I did this because it's very, very, Cliche'. I might make another chapter like this, but I'm not sure yet. RANDOM:It's freaking freezing in my house. Gosh. I have goosebumps! THE SOUNDTRACK TO THIS CHAPPIE IS 'BLOCK OF ROCK' by SPM. I LOVE THAT SONG! I'm thinking of going very,very long with this story, so give me feedback and tell me what you think of it so far! I love you guys very much! I'm out! Deuces!**

**-_LORI-_**


	8. LIVE NUDE WOLF BOY

**Well here is something random I came up with over the weekend. Don't ask me how, just read it. OK. SO HERE'S THE FREAKING SAD TRUTH:WHEN WEREWOLVES PHASE BACK TO HUMAN, THEY'RE NAKED. IF YOU'RE 'UN-SURE' QUOTE-UNQUOTE, GO READ JACOB'S PART IN 'BREAKING DAWN'. PRESTO. **

**DiSCLAiMER:I AM NOT THE OWNER OF THE TWILIGHT SERIES, NAKEY WOLVES, TAYLOR LAUNTER,THE 'TWILIGHT' MOVIE, OR THE SONG 'ME AND MY DRANK' BY LIL WAYNE. **

**(JacobPOV)**

I was just making my rounds of La Push, when something caught my nose. Something gross.

"Damn bloodsuckers." They need to stay off of my, er, our land. The freaking treaty says so!

Better phase back. I felt myself shrink, and go back to human, so I went to where I hid my secret stash. Of what? Clothes. Can't run around nude with people like Quil, Embry, Paul, and Jared around. Nakey Jake equals perfect sabotage. Duh.

Wait. What the crap?! Where are my clothes?! Oh God. Please, God. Don't let this be happening! Please! I beg of you! PLEASE!

Oh well this is just perfect. There are bloodsuckers on our land and I'm butt-naked. Sweet-ness.

"Ladies and Gentlemen of La Push, we are very proud (and a little uncomfortable) to present Live Nude Wolf Boy!"

I turned around and it seemed as if everyone in La Push and those bloodsuckers were there, staring at me.

My eyes flickered to all the familar faces and then to myself. I made an attempt to cover myself, but two hands and two legs can only cover so much.

I whimpered. I was right. The bloodsuckers were laughing, and had my clothes in their hands.

I growled. "Give me my clothes back." I said, through barred teeth. They just laughed. They were laughing?! My pain and suffering must amuse them. Them.

But why are my friends laughing?! Quil, Embry, Paul, and Jared were cackling like mad scientists. So everyone was in on it! Dammit!

"Give. Me. My. Clothes. Back." I whispered one last time to the bloodsuckers. "Give them back. His reputation is already ruined beyond repair. Do it." shrugged the little one. Amanda. Alice!

All at once, I felt my clothes being flung at me. I gathered them up and covered myself.

The crowd still stayed. I sighed angrily. "C'mon people. Show's over. Ya'll had your fun, now go." After my demand, they all scurried back to their rightful places.

That's right! No one messes with Live Nude Wolf Boy! "Except us!" called the Mind-Reading bloodsucker. He may be right, and that may be true on so many levels...I got nothin'.

**-The End-.**

**I love this! It may seem a little weird, but that's me! I found it very hilarious, and original. Hey! You don't see stories about Wolves phasing back nakey. They all 'somehow magically' appear fully clothed. -cough-BULLCRAP-cough. Reviews are really appreciated! In my opinion, this is one of my weirdest chappies. But one of my personal best! I love it! The soundtrack to this chappie is 'Me and My Drank' by Lil Wayne. Oh yeah, I gave my sister Amanda a little shout-out sorta name cameo in this chapter because she's been very supportive of this story and of me! I love you Mandi! Thanks for reading! I love you guys!**

**_-Lori-_**


	9. Hyper Jasper plus Emmett equals what?

**WELL HERE'S SOMETHING RANDOM THAT MAKES NO SENSE BECAUSE I'M REALLY HYPER AT THE MOMENT AND WROTE IT IN LIKE 5 MINS. SO NO PLOT AND MAKES NO SENSE. **

**DISCLAIMER:I FERSHIZZEL DON'T OWN TWILIGHT. OR JAZZY'S SCENTED LOTIONS. OR HIS PADDLEBALL. OR THE ROBOT. **

**JPOV**

Holy shiz! It's coming! OMG! It's mother-flippin coming! I have to prepare! Awayy! Woosh! Ow! Who put that staircase there?! Oh well!

OMA! It's here! Yeah! Do the Robot! Uh-oh! Wait. This isn't what I ordered! Where are my scented lotions?! No! My life is over! Ah well. Maybe Emmett will want it..

"I WANT IT! GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE GIMMIE!" Woah. That was fast. Oh well. Anyway. "Here Emmett. Go crazy." "Thank you Jazzy! OMG! I love things in boxes! AHH! FLYING BASEBALL BATS! DON'T DO ME!"

Cool. That's taken care of. Huh. Now where did I put my paddleball...maybe I can break that record I saw the other day...

**-The End.-**

**Woah another update?! Yeah this makes no sense and is random but I like it! The 'Don't do me!' part is a thing me and Mandi do because of this guy she is homies with. 'DON'T DO ME!' Lol. You are allowed to tell me how this is sucky and makes no sense because I would have to agree with you. But I am almost falling out of my chair cracking up. Usually my chapters aren't this short but yeah. C'mon! You _know _you're laughing! 'Cause I am. FLYING BASEBALL BATS! Yeah Jazzy is OOC but c'mon. Every character is OOC in this story. Oh you have to hear this! I was searching through the Twilight Fanfic Archive like normal, and I swear if I see another RenesmeexJake story I'm gonna keel over. For real. PEOPLE:STAY AWAY FROM RENESMEEXJAKE. FOR YOUR SAKE AND MINE. Lol. I'M STILL HYPERR! I MIGHT UPDATE AGAIN TODAY. BUT I'M NOT SURE. IT DEPENDS ON WHAT MI INSPIRATION IS. THANKS FOR READING! I'M SORTA SORRY IT'S SHORT! BUT C'MON. MY OTHER CHAPPIES ARE LONG. THANKS GUYS! HYPERNESS! AWAYYY!! **

**_-Lori-_**


	10. The Volturi Want to eat Gianna? QUE?

**Ok so you don't really see too many stories involving the Volturi. What confuses me is that in the back of 'Breaking Dawn' it has like full listings and crap and it says 'The Volturi Coven' and 'The Volturi Guard.' I haven't finished 'BD' so like, I'm only familar with Aro, Caius, Marcus, Demetri, Felix, Heidi, and Jane. And like, every single story involving 'TV' (The Volturi) is all serious, and I'm like 'Jezus! Make a freaking parody already!' And I still haven't seen one. So here it is. Funny-ness. I don't really know because I've never written in any of the characters POV above, and everyone's really OOC...soo...Let's try Aro first! NOTEI DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT THE VOLTURI'S POWERS ARE! THE ONLY ONE I KNOW IS THAT ONE CAN LIKE, SEE EVERY THOUGHT YOU'VE EVER THOUGHT OR SOME SHIZ. PLEASE TELL ME WHAT 'TV' POWERS ARE IF YOU KNOW THEM BECAUSE I REALLY WANT TO KNOW SO I CAN CONTINUE WITH THE SEQUEL! THE VOLTURI:PART DEUX! COMING SOON! TELL ME IN A PM OR A REVIEW WHAT 'TV' POWERS ARE! (OH YEAH, 'TV' IS A ABBREVIATION FOR 'THE VOLTURI' IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW. WELL, NOW YOU KNOW.)**

**DISCLAMIER:I DON'T OWN TWILIGHT/NEW MOON/ECLIPSE/BREAKING DAWN/MIDNIGHT SUN, THE VOLTURI, OR NICK-AT-NITE.**

**APOV**

Filthy humans. With all their human-ness. Gosh. I'm so freaking glad that I'm a super cool awesome vampire that's like, freaking the Mastahh of all Vamps. Okay maybe not the master but I still rule!

"Yo Gianna!" I called out. "Yes, Master Aro?" she called back. Ever the humble human. Ha. She wishes she was a vampire. "I think I'm going to change you now!" She gasped. "REALLY?!" I laughed. "No! You ignorant human! Get back to work you ignorant blob of gilatinous human waste before I eat you!" Threats rock! "Um, Okay Master Aro!"

Yeah. That's MASTERR Aro. Yay-yah!

**CPOV**

Mmmm...humans. They taste so good. I should eat Giana. Now that would be a really good meal. Giana. She looks really tasty. Yummers!

"Giana!" I called out to the frail, delectable human. "Yes, Master Caius?" "Can I eat you?" She would have to obey me. I'm the Boss!

Giana The Tasty Human hesistated. "Um, I-I don't know, Sir." She called back. Ah, screw it. She's not worth it. I'll just go cruise around and find a human. Besides, I need her. How else would I have these awesome scented soaps in the bathroom that we Vampy's don't need to use. But they smell like Lavender and Lilacs!

**MPOV**

What's up with everyone wanting to eat Giana? She doesn't even smell that good. But those soaps in the bathrooms that we don't need to use do smell super delicious.

Ha. Caius must be on something because he is so not the boss. Or is he? Who is the boss? Isn't that on Nick-At-Nite? Who cares.

God I want a human. But stupid Carlisle is all 'Be on a diet, be on a diet!' Blah-blah-blah. Humans still taste really, really good. Like, super awesomely delicious. Mmm...I think I want a human...Giana, maybe..NO! Must not eat Giana! She's fruity! "I HAVE DIBS ON GIANA MARCUS! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT BUSTER!" called Caius. Whatever. She's mine! Sorta..

**-The End..?-**

**Well I know I only did Aro, Caius, and Marcus but I really don't know what to do with everyone else! Part 2 might be in the making if I feel like it. Thanks! Well, screw in the making! Part 2 has:Giana, Jane, Demetri, Felix, Heidi, and MORE! Not Really, because those are the only ones I really know about. PLEASE HELP ME BY TELLING ME WHAT 'TV'S' POWERS ARE! I ONLY KNOW, LIKE, ONE. PLEASE! Oh yeah once again 'The Volturi' are super OOC in case you didn't read the top part cleary or have a short attention span. THEY ARE OOC. Okay. Thanks.**


	11. Edward's Nuts

**Well this was inspired by my fav. show evr 'Family Guy'. It was something completely and utterly random but still super funny that happened in the middle of an episode. Enjoy! Oh yeah Eddy-Weddy-Foe-Feddy is a little OOC but c'mon. Are _you_ telling me you wouldn't do what he did? Aww I know this is a little late but I would like to THANK all my Reviewers (all 9 of them so far), people who favorited this story, me, and put me on author alert. Expect updates! Thanks for the support!! READ AND REVIEW! REVIEW PLEASE AND TELL ME HOW THIS IS! LOVE IT? HATE IT? WANT ME TO CONTINUE? GOT IDEAS? TELL ME IN A REVIEW! ANY AND _ALL _IDEAS EXCEPTED! I'LL GIVE YOU CREDIT! THANKS AGAIN!**

**DiSCLAiMER: Lori:I, Lauren Ashley Mccabe-Torres, do not own 'Twilight', 'FG', or any of the affiliates with those things and this story. Case closed. All fries! **

**EPOV**

"Bella, Love, please hurry up. For the sake of my sanity. Please?" I pleaded to my Bella as she was trying on clothing.

She laughed and smiled. "Just one more outfit. Please?" she pouted her perfect lips. I sighed. "Okay. One more." She gave me a kiss on the cheek. "Thanks Eddy!" And then, just like that, my Bella was gone.

I leaned casually against the dressing room wall. Alot of weird people in the store today...

In a flash, a man with a bow tie and a rainbow afro came up and kicked me in the nuts.

"AH! OW! WHAT THE HELL?! DAMMIT! AHH!" The guy put his arm around my shoulder. "My friend, my friend, you've just been kicked in the nuts."

I looked at the guy, then at the camera. "Oh my, no way!" I love that show!

The guy laughed. "Yes way." "Oh my..Bella!" I called. She appeared. Her eyes widened. "Edward, did you-did you just get kicked in the nuts?" she whispered in between giggles.

I nodded. Bella laughed one more time, then went back to the dressing room.

The guy looked at the camera. "Tune in next week for another unsespecting person getting kicked in the nuts. Watch out, because you might be next!" He waved and I waved. "G'night everybody!" We said in unison.

Everyone left, and I sat back down to wait for Bella. Wait 'till my family hears about this!

**-The End-**

**Lol. The ending was a little wack but I loved it! REVIEW? C'mon! There's a little purple button on the side of your screen, click it, and tell me what you think! LOVE IT? HATE IT? TELL ME! If you have ideas, then do as instructed before, and GIMMIE! Expect it and a credit. Oh, and if you have stories I'll review those as well. PWEAZE? Usually I'm not the one to beg, but please? Oh yeah. 'Kicked in the Nuts' is not a real show, so don't try to Youtube it or find it on the guide because it's not real. And if it is, don't blame me if your 'Rent's get PO'ED at you. Thanks! Remember:Review! It gives me motavation! Oh yeah, I've been getting alot of fav story/fav author/alerts lately. Don't get me wrong, I love 'em, but if you have the time to put me on fav/alerts, review. Even if it's a flame. But hey. If you give me a flame, expect one right back. Thanks! I love you ALL! **

**_-Lori-_**


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